Is positive thinking wearing you out?
If the answer is YES, you aren’t alone. Positivity can be tiring and — in the extreme — even toxic. Acting happy and cheerful when you really are not, is unhealthy. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that we want negative thinking either. What I am suggesting is that we can reprogramme our way of thinking entirely. This article is late in going out because I have ummed and ahhed… What I am going to suggest is simple and it works, but it isn’t easy. It challenges our conditioning. I know it has challenged mine. With the collective trauma in our world, I think these Key Steps are more necessary than ever but in ‘harder than ever’ to write about. I am still not sure I have done this justice… I know so many people who read this article and respond to me on a regular basis. I know there are so many who have recently lost dear loved ones or been faced with difficult circumstances. So, it is really important that as you read this, you know that processing your feelings is essential. I’ve written about this so much lately. The last thing I would want is for this to message to be misconstrued. Now that’s been said, let’s take Key Steps to…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
- Realise the impact of labelling. No matter what happens to us in life, we tend to see things as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. We categorise and label as part of our programming. Research shows that most of us tend to use the ‘bad’ label three to ten times more often than the ‘good’ label. When we say something is bad, the odds increase dramatically that we will experience it as such, and problems have a way of multiplying. This is why we often talk about the importance of positive thinking. We are encouraged to take the ‘lemon’, and scramble to make some lemonade out of it to make something ‘good’ out of this ‘bad’ situation. We might say this is resilience at its best! But how tiring and tiresome this can be! From my experience, I see this as a contributor to burnout during the pandemic… the constant scrambling and adapting — and trying to stay positive and “keep your chin up” — has worn many people out. Wouldn’t it be nice if you never had to do this again and you could…
- Never see anything as ‘bad’ again. Think back to when something good came out of something bad or when something bad wasn’t that bad. And perhaps, if it was that bad, you eventually managed to let go of fixating on ‘bad’ because it was just making you feel worse. Currently, I am thinking of the electricity and water ‘crisis.’ For me, taking action and being empathetic towards clients who are struggle with alternative power supply is more useful than fixating on it being ‘bad.’ How many instances can you recall? I’ve lost count! You too will likely find many instances in your life, some of them very significant such as the job you desperately wanted but didn’t get only to find that a better one came along, and you wouldn’t have been able to accept it if not for the earlier rejection. Some events might be less significant, like the number of times I’ve gotten lost on holiday and come across the most beautiful sights.
One of the most significant examples I have in my life is when my Mum’s doctor diagnosed her with systemic sclerosis. It’s a terminal autoimmune disease. I was 14, my mum was given 10 years life expectancy and — as you can imagine — I instantly labelled it as a bad. I was so angry and sad but couldn’t really get in touch with those feelings because the overwhelming message was to stay positive. Looking back, I now know that what ensued for me was an extended period of depression as I got caught up in a cycle of putting my ‘bad’ feelings away and trying to put on a brave face. That was 30 years ago. My mum has outlived her initial prognosis three times, but she has had to fight at every stage to stay alive. She is fighting so hard right now against very complicated heart problems. Her bravery and the fact that she refused to see her condition as a bad thing is a key reason she is still here. Don’t get me wrong, none of us see this as a good thing and it is extremely painful to see how much she suffers. She does it with such grace and determination. As hard as it is, walking with her and witness to her courage is one of my biggest blessings and privileges. I am inspired daily. I hope, like me, you can find inspiration in this and… - STOP labelling things that happen to you as bad. This is a radical mind shift. It means that no matter what happens to you, you do not stick a ‘bad thing’ label on it. No matter what! You are fired from your job… you receive a foreclosure notice on your home… your spouse files for divorce… your business goes under…. This might seem ridiculous, as there are horrible tragedies and terrible things that happen. This is an especially sensitive right now. Remember, I am not suggesting you label them as good things, this is when positivity gets toxic. It can also lead us to look for silver linings that don’t exist in the moment and sap our relationships of empathy. In the face of pain, the last thing we need to hear is… “At least….[followed by perceived and often well-meaning but insensitive silver lining].” What I am suggesting is that we just don’t pick up the burden of labelling experiences as bad and then trying to use positive thinking to make them better. We just process what is. Trying to be positive would have worn my mum out long ago but so would being negative. Instead, we just process what is. Trying to be positive would have worn my Mum out long ago but so would being negative. Instead, she has bravely dealt with what is. When you can do this, positive thinking won’t be such a drain as you are able to live in a place of acceptance that allows you to be with the emotions you are feeling (or be with others in theirs) and process.
- Don’t force the silver lining. With hindsight, I know my mum’s illness has brought our family closer and prevented us from taking each other for granted. We done things as a family that we might never have done. Often, when we have ‘distance’ from the situation, and the mindset to look for a silver lining, there is one. As the saying goes… “When we look for blessings, they are everywhere.” Does this take away from my sadness? No. This has been a massive life journey for me. To be able to sit with and manage ‘the storm’ of my feelings and allow the silver lining to emerge like a rainbow rather than trying to force it in the middle of a dark cloudy storm. Fake positivity is exhausting and, when we perpetuate this, it doesn’t give the people around us permission to deal with their real feelings.
You might be asking, “Can I actually go through life without labelling what happens as good or bad?” I know you can, because I see it in action every day. For me, this unlearning and relearning process required a significant amount of effort at first but — like driving — it got easier. I do still catch ‘viruses’ getting through my ‘new’ programming and that’s okay. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow. And the inner peace is worth it. Start today… one day, one experience, one thought at a time and…
‘be the difference that makes the difference.’
Namaste,
