Is silence really golden?

No, of course not. Although there are times when it’s wise to bite our tongue, too many families and organisations have unhealthy ‘cultures’ of silence. All too often, we complain about injustice, prejudice, inefficiencies, dishonesty (the list goes on and on…), while we watch as the rights and values of ourselves and others are trampled on. Take a look around, it is likely happening right now.

Going silent about things that matter is tragic. Some of these tragedies are even fatal. Take for example, the Duke University Medical Centre transplant tragedy. Mismatched blood types during an organ transplant led to the death of a 17-year-old girl. People who should have demanded that doctors double-check the blood type simply stood by and said nothing. Another example was in 1978, a pilot by the name of Melburn McBroom’s plane was approaching Portland to land and he noticed a problem with the landing gear. He decided to maintain a holding pattern as he obsessed about the landing gear. His co-pilots watched as the fuel gauges approached empty, but they said nothing because he was known to have an explosive temper. The plane crashed, killing ten people. Scary, isn’t it?!

Although you might not have people literally dying around you, how many are dying inside? Think about the culture in your family, office, church, and so on. Is it a healthy one? If not, it is up to you to challenge the status quo. Let’s take Key Steps this week to increase our awareness so we
can…

‘be the difference that makes the difference.’

Here’s some of the reasons for unhealthy silence that we need to look out for:

1. Fear of punishment or harsh consequences. This is one of the major reasons for workplace silence. This was the reason for the airline crash in 1978. McBroom was known for being a tyrant and the crew who survived the crash admitted to being too scared of him to speak up. You often see this in families too. Where children are too scared to talk to an autocratic parent or parents keep quite because they don’t want their children throwing temper tantrums. This kind of silence is unhealthy and dangerous. It might not always kill lives but it kills relationships, moral, engagement and productivity. Closely related to this is…
2. Not wanting to hurt people’s feelings. This might sound healthy and to an extent it is. No-one (except sociopaths and narcissists) sets out to hurt another’s feelings but hiding behind this is a copout as there are times where we have to speak up. Culturally this might be challenging if you’ve been taught to be silent. Thinking that our truth will hurt another actually makes them quite small — as if they can’t cope. Ever had spinach in your teeth and, when you notice at the end of the day, you feel embarrassed or hurt that no-one told you? I’m sure we have all experienced some version of this. Immediate, purposeful and constructive feedback is the best form of kindness and respect. There could be another linked factor that gets in the way of this…
3. Being afraid to be wrong and look foolish. This happened in the blood type mismatch tragedy at Duke University Medical Centre. A person in authority behaved in a way that the support staff thought was risky but no-one said anything because they thought they might be wrong or might not have all the details. Rather than risking a moment of foolishness, they allowed a young girl to lose her life.
4. Falling prey to the bystander effect. In 1964, Kitty Genovese was stabbed to death in New York. Over the course of half an hour, she was attacked three times on the street as neighbours watched from their windows. There were 38 witnesses to the horrific event, yet not a single person called the police during the attack. The case caused a huge outcry in the news and prompted psychologists to conduct a series of studies to understand why this happened. They came up with a term for that phenomenon: the bystander effect. The greater the number of witnesses, the less likely anyone commits to act because of diffusion of responsibility. There is a closely related concept…
5. Following the crowd. The term ‘bystander apathy’ was coined when it was found that we tend to take our cue about whether to speak up or not from those around us. It is closely related to the bystander effect and show that, in alarming circumstances, most people keep quiet if those around them seem unperturbed. In other words, silence becomes contagious in our effort to maintain the status quo. I’ve heard of many examples of this through the pandemic: people witnessing others who were not following safety protocol but they said nothing.
6. Shying away from the effort required. In the retail industry, it is well known that only 4% of unhappy customers complain. Most just keep quiet and don’t do business with you again. Why? Because it takes effort to voice your concerns proactively and constructively. And often, when you talk up about work issues like lack of processes or procedures, the responsibility for fixing the problem might then fall on you. It can be easier to turn a blind eye. But can we really afford to remain silent and put our heads in the sand? Of course not!

What other thoughts or examples do you have about unhealthy cultures of silence? Please share with us and next week we will explore Key Steps that we can take to combat these challenges and…

‘be the difference that makes the difference.’