What is the most important thing in your life?

You’ve might have guessed it? Yes, it is our relationships that are the most important thing to us! This starts with our relationship with ourselves, our loved ones and our work colleagues and our friends. Despite how important relationships are, we often take them for granted or are at a loss for practical ideas to really nurture them effectively. This is especially applicable to our personal (even more specifically, our romantic) long-term relationships. Covid has added an extra layer of stress to many relationships, so it is more important than ever that we take action and nurture our relationships. To do this, I’ll be spending the next couple of weeks with you using the word ‘RELATIONSHIPS’ as an acronym to take Key Steps to really ‘be the difference that makes the difference.’ This week we will implement the first two letters, remember to read it with a person lens and also with a professional lens as the steps apply to both) and…

1. R = Be REAL. Be real about your relationship, your needs and your boundaries. You will argue; in fact, it would be unhealthy if you never had a disagreement. Apathy in a relationship can be worse than arguments. But when you do disagree… be constructive, don’t demean or attack your partner’s identity by name calling or blaming. Rather focus on the behaviour you do not like (and explain how it makes you feel or the impact it has on you). Remember that you love the person and want to make sure they know that and do not feel attacked. For example, instead of saying, “You’re inconsiderate” (which is an identity attack) rather say, “I feel disappointed and not considered when I’m left to cook and clean up on my own after a long day at the office. I’d really appreciate your help with the dishes and maybe we can alternate cooking nights? What do you think?” By being real about your needs and feelings, while focusing on behaviour, making suggestions and inviting the other person to share there thoughts, you can encourage collaboration rather than defensiveness and resistance.
   
   NOTE: This approach does not guarantee that things are going to go well. If you partner (or colleague) responds and says (or yells), “Are you saying I’m inconsiderate!?! You are the one who is inconsiderate.” Do your best not to rise to the attack. Breathe, manage your emotions and try a technique called contrasting by saying, “No, I am not saying that you are inconsiderate. I know there are ways you do consider me (and try to add an example of where they do consider you) and I value our relationship. What I’m saying is that I would really appreciate support with cooking and clearing up each night as I am tired after a long day.” Remain focused on the outcome you’d like to achieve and the fact that you love this person.
2. E = EXCITEMENT. Keep the excitement alive; go away for the weekend together, book dinner at one of your favourite restaurants, go on a picnic… be spontaneous and do the things you often did while dating. In fact, schedule a ‘date’ every six weeks to keep the romance alive. Get dressed-up and have fun… looking good for yourself and your partner is a very important part of maintaining physical attraction. It’s important not to take your partner for granted and constantly keep the magic alive. Recently, my husband and I went on a ‘date day.’ We chose this because our daughter still wakes up to five times a night and we did not want her grandparents to have to suffer broken sleep. Covid has also meant that Mila is not used to being away from us at night as neither of us have been travelling. I’ve now decided that a day date is the best! We relaxed by the pool of the Marriott hotel, drank cocktails, had an afternoon nap (what a privilege!), lovely early dinner and were home by 8:30pm. I wish we had thought of this sooner and am determined to find even more unique ways we can have fun together as a couple.

It is difficult for me to stop at one E as EMPATHY is also vital to healthy relationships. I really like Brené Brown’s definition of empathy. You can watch one of my favourite video clips here. It is something we can all do with practising so we really can nurture relationship.

What Key Steps will you take this week to… ‘be the difference that makes the difference’?